Humor Me

"Like A Bat Out of Hell."

 The real, "Bat Girl," featured in her full protective gear. 

 

I found it tough staying asleep in front of a 55 inch flatscreen tv, my wife just had installed in the spare room of our cottage. It was however the only thing that been mounted in the place in my recent recollection.

Rather than read a tattered classic hardcover, in the rustic charm of our cottage, which almost never happens,   I'd opted instead for falling asleep in front of the jumbotron in the just cabin's spare bedroom, under an empty family sized bag of Swedish Berries. 

My wife Madge, her cat and fuzzy little dog had long established their domain in the master bedroom. This was done with the purchase of an ultra soft pillow top Beauty Rest. Unfortunately the master can no longer spend a night on such luxury, without incurring temporary paralasis of his back.

On that night, as is the usual, the three of them were planning to leave such comfort, to watch classic TBN movies, with the old man, who would rant about the upcoming feature, only to be found asleep snoring, with all the subteness of a Husquvarna chainsaw.

 And as far as Madge was concerned, what's left of Ted Turner's media empire on Turner Classic Movies, really isn't worth watching. 

My wife, much like Ted's old partner Jane, has long given up on what was once to her was an interesting man full of adventure. She knew I  was more apt to be yelling at CNN news , rather than actually making any. 

But then again from my perspective, I hadn't seen a lot of her wool leggings for quite some time either... 

 

So there I lay on my Sealy Posterpedic, the only thing left that is still rock hard after the last 25 years...

Semi-concious, with one eye closed and the other barely open, I detected something unusual fluttering around at the end of my bed.

Although not really with it, what I saw  looked a lot like a bat, but that's mostly because, that's exactly what it was...

The furry, winged beast had somehow found it's way into my room at the cottage.

 "Oh fuck.  This is not good..." I thought to myself. I was quickly going to need a plan, before the stuation escalated.

 Gone was a time, when I was once allowed to be a man, I would have loaded three, "Whizbang," 22 callibre shells into my Cooy repeater and toasted the little fucker and received a heroes welcome...

But we know that's all changed now. The,"No discarching firearms in the bedroom," laws are now in effect here in Canada and nobody wants another Oscar Pistoreus situation, although shooting your wife, right off the throne, seems a bit suspicious to me... 

In todays world, even Arming myself with a tennis racquet to swat down, a bat, (Canadian Folklore) to protect my wife and more importantly, my dignity, would no less result in seeing David Suzuki at my door with a warrant for in any way encroaching on the rights of  Mother Nature...

These are no longer the Ozzy Osburne days where biting off a bats head was just pure entertainment...

 

 All I had on hand was a Blackberry, which is an ancient Canadian device, once considered useful for communication purposes...

I Googled, "How to rid a bat from your home," and as I figured, the primitive device was of no help, as after 10 years of trying Rim  had not figured out how to connect the device to the internet... It was however easy to type in my cry for help on the Querty keyboard...

 So there I was. Trapped under a thin veneer of cotton and feathers, in nothing more than my man panties.

Feeling somewhat vulnerable, I knew I needed to get the door shut before my visitor took it upon himself to leave my room and terrorize the rest of the place... 

He wasnt going to just fly out the window. Those were shut tight and locked to allow the new  AC unit to provide fresh cool air to our family and provide even more unwanted cottage noise to our community...

On  top of that I'd wisely nailed the window screen shut, because that's always how I properly fix things around the place...

I thought of the poor hiker trapped in a similarly bad situation who sawed off his leg to escape from dying in the desert, which to me just seemed like a bad idea....

Well to go hiking that is. You rarely seem to hear of anybody sawing off a  limb to get out a sports lounge... 

I did roll off the bed although and some what more higher centered than in my youth, commando- crawled to the open door and shut it tight. I would deal with this tomorrow...

Well except there were questions...

"Whats going on in your room?" Madge asked, still half asleep.

"Well,... There's a bat flying around in there." I answered.

 "A bat in our house? You've go to be joking?"  she said in dibelief.

 I told her not to worry and that I had the situation under control.

 Well lets just say, she thought otherwise...

I backpeddled and try to calm her, like any man would who'd completely lost control of the situation, then even tried to go on the offence.

 Whoever said the best defence is a good offence was complelety out to lunch on this one..

 

 "Hey, first of all, didn't exactly invite him in here. The little bastard must have come in through the broken screen door."  I said.

More importantly, I explained, bat's are entirely harmless creatures, that just eat bugs which is a good thing."... of course leaving out the part, where Pa has to go out to the yard and shoot a rabid, Ol Yeller...

 But Unlike many urban envirogreen Moms of today, her perpective on the the little beast was less ecofriendly. I like to think of her, at Safeways, when choosing bags, as the," I'll take plastic and lot's of it,"  kind of gal. She didn't disappoint... 

 "Those fucking little winged rodents, shit all over her deck and are going to cause us cancer. Now are you going to do something about it , or should I just call Larry?"... Which is pretty much the emasculation knockout for me in our home.

Well, so now of course I snap...

"Oh, I'll get the little fucker out of here right now if that's what you want." I bravely announced, now completely out of my head.

"But I will need your help." I add.

"Fine, let me Google it." she said.

"Fuck Google," I said rather heatedly...

"I'm going in."  and just like any husband scorned,  I wrapped the duvet around me,  and went back in to the room.

My field marshall, was now calling in the strategy, from the other side of the door.

"Step 1," she says reading courageously from her iPad.  "Contain the bat in one room. "

 I quickly reminded her, that was something I had already done...

Step 2, She tells me to "Open the window."...  

 My quick thoughts were, "Well fuck that. Little did she know, when I was fixing the screen on the window, I'd nailed it shut..."

I knew what the Duke would do in this situation and it involved a carbine, and more than a few clips.... 

Like Indiana Jones, I cautiously observed the cave, not knowing where that featherless freakish creature was waiting...

Maybe it had magically disappeared or somehow turned into a some kind of beautiful Kardashian witch...

But sadly not so.

There it was, with its creepy little bat feet,  affixed to the popcorn ceiling-- yes, something I've been asked to remove for the past fifteen years...

Moving as quietly as a two hundred pound man under the influence of 5 cuba Libras can move,  I reached the window and started cranking it open.

Panicking,  I yanked on the screen, until it bent and with it in my grasp, I fell to the floor and crawled back to the door, where my trusty backup was peeking through the crack and was now screaming at what she was witnessing.

 The bat failed to see my  professionalism and had instead gone nuts,  flying around the room like well you know, a Bat Out Of Hell...

"Quick, quick!" Madge yelled.  "He's going to get out." with all the sympathy for me, as a season ticket holder to the Roman Coleseum...

So I evacuated the premise, and my trusted deputy, slammed the door shut. 

She then informed me, with all the wisened knowledge of a CNN guest panel, that the light from the television would further bother the intruder, and it would soon on it's own vacate the premises. Her further internet research showed, it was now just a matter of letting nature and 55 inches of high definition plasma,  take it's normal course...

So of course, even though she agreed to leave the situation alone....

But now , if life were that simple... 

 

 Laying in the "Master Suite," going over my recent heroic's over and over, my thoughts were interupted, when I heard Madge opening the door to the spare bedroom. 

"Honey it's gone. Come and see." she said. 

"Just leave it for now." I replied not really wanting to back in there.

"Let me check it out in a bit." I replied, wanting nothing more to do with it that night.

 

She came into the bedroom, briefly waxed poetic about how I used to be brave like that all the time... , and said. "Your little bat must have flown out the window. Come see."...  

Well it's just never enough, is it?...

I got up and went to the other room. As an act of bravado, like some sort of matador I lay on the bed, as a display of confidence, of my recent work.

 

But unlike El Toro, there is no rest, after giving a brave performance.

Her suggestion was to now shut the window,  just in case pestulance comes calling again... 

 So I arose, cranked the window lever extra tight to seal off us from our nightmare and as a final act of showmanship, for my bride, I pulled the old tattered cottage curtains tight.

 

Well, that's when that little-winged bastard emerged out of Sears polyester cotton drapes and straight into my face flapping it wings, then dropped down onto my chest just for extra effect...

This of course sent me screaming and running around the room like a little school girl, flailing my, while arms trying to get away. 

Batgirl,  witnessing the carnage, sensed this was a really good  time to panic also, so together, panic we did.

Now like in Hitchcock's famous movie the Birds, I was now in my mind fighting for my life. The stuation was clearly beyond my control. I yelled to my wife,"Run Madge run." 

Like prize fighter, Jake Lamata, The Raging Bull,  I stood in their and took what I had to, until I re-opened the window...

In a last ditch effort, I pushed it, sprung the wood framed glass open and ran from the room. My deputy was long gone... When I found her, she was hiding behind a large glass of red wine, obviously shaken, but what she'd just witnessed. 

I grabbed a glass, filled it full and requested of Madge, we not go back into, "The Stuation Room," to check on anything.until the bottle was done...

An hour later, with our wine gone and  a new perpective, we together surveyed the situation. On our final sweep that evening,  as in Hithcocks thriller, the protagonist had departed as abrubtly as it arrived...

The bat had it's freedom, and perhaps once again I could reclaim some sort of lost level of manhood, although I'm really not so sure what that is anymore...

 

 

 

 

 

"Back In The Saddle."

Pfizer should  perhaps provide one more medical warning in addition to the four hour hard-on your Viagara just gave you.

 "This product contains enough erectile dysfunction medication to drain your entire bank account ... Do not propose marriage to anyone under 25 years of age while taking this medication...."

Better pharmaceuticals have made "old guys" marrying "young woman" almost non- newsworthy any more... Well, unless of course you are a 69 year-old, Liberal Senator, and your 23 year old blushing bride just threatened to" slit your throat"  in the middle of an Air Canada flight...although many disgruntled passengers of the beleaguered airline might have likely accepted her invitation....

Maybe death threats at home are okay around the table at Sunday dinner, but bad behavior on an Air Canada plane by somebody other than their pilots is going to make the news... 

On a flight bound from Ottawa to Saskatoon, it was reported that after a few in-flight Grape Crush and Lemon Gins, Ms. Sensenberger, the 23 year-old wife of  Manitoba Senator, Rod Zimmer allegedly threatened to kill her husband and “take the plane down.” 

It is easy to relate to the stress of flying today, but this kind of behavior is usually reserved for those driving the Coquihalla Highway on a long weekend with a van full of screaming kids...

Maybe she had just gone a little heavy on the panty-remover and didn't have enough to eat...Half a handful of Bits and Bites won't take the edge off.   The airline probably should have been more vigilant and checked her mood ring before serving her...

 With his young wife all liquored-up, the Senator probably realized his chances of getting into the "Mile High Club,"  were somewhat limited after she started uttering death threats and abusing the other passengers....

If it wasn't the liquor, perhaps it was the altitude mid-flight that impaired Ms. Sensenburger's good judgement.   Al Gore just claimed that President Obama had recently suffered from the same phenomenon after getting his ass kicked in the first  Presidential Debate last week.  Gore immediately came to the President's defense by saying Obama had been unable to debate at the mile high altitude in Denver.... and many don't know this, but former Vice President Gore invented the atmosphere, so he would know....

So if the President of the Free World can't think straight at 5280 feet, how is an inebriated, hungry, 23 year-old woman expected to fare?   Ms. Sensenburger was under pressure, and Rod asked her to go visit with his family in Saskatoon.  In any relationship visiting relatives can be a touchy subject at the best of times, but more so if she was going to to have to babysit again...

Perhaps, his young wife figured the Senator may be hard of hearing...and didn't think he would pick up on the "slit your throat" part.  

Senator: "No I didn't shit in my coat honey.... Did you bring the peppermints?"

Or maybe, it was all just one of those role playing things, like in "50 Shades of Grey."   Problem is, the Manitoba Senator was Fifty Shades of Grey, 30 years ago...

Whatever it was, she said her husband (who was probably becoming extremely discouraged by this point) asked her to "Stop it, or I will have a heart attack."

When you have been playing Russian Roulette every night with your penis and taking a Viagra the size of a Giant Sweet Tart, I believe what the Senator must have been trying to say....

And what exactly did his young wife expected by marrying a much older man?  When your 69 year-old husband asks you to "grab the paddles," you're probably not going canoeing... 

Ms. Sensenburger reacted by screaming her husband was "dying," and then began swearing at onlookers ... Nobody asked her to shut down "Words With Friends" on her computer, but  like Alec Baldwin, she was escorted off by police, arrested and charged with "Endangering the Safety of an Aircraft" and "Causing a Disturbance."   The aircraft charge was later dropped when they realized it was an Air Canada flight and replaced that charge with "Uttering a Death Threat"....

At 23, with her looks and body, "Come to bed honey," could be considered a death threat for the Septuagenarian Senator...

"Bring your "A " game baby and don't spare the nitrogen"....

Ms. Sensenburger was ordered to abstain from alcohol, spend the weekend in jail, and cancel her Ginsu order....

She explained it all by saying she was upset because her husband  "wasn't looking after himself,"  Which of course makes no sense at all... "Do you want a bloodletting or just a vitamin shake tonight babe."

The Senator was given oxygen in Saskatoon,  a stern warning to lay off the penis pills, and told to get a La-Z-Boy and some digital cable until he was feeling better...

Some skeptics of true love suggested "she just married him for the money.  Maybe the Senator would be happier with someone closer to his own age".....

Well, perhaps, but then look again at what happened last week with Millie, the "Online Black Widow."  Sure she marries men her own age, but she also drains their bank accounts, then whacks them...

Two of her exes are dead, and Millie nearly scored the only hat trick we may see in Canada this season by trying to "off'" her third husband... 

So you tell me, who is better off?

The guy marrying a young babe and getting the student discount at the Cinemax or the much more publicly accepted older woman trying to kill you?...

Millie is no amateur and would never show her hand issuing verbal threats in public places.   Just a pinch of arsenic in the old man's chicken noodle soup, watch him flatline on the couch, then a quick call to 911 for pickup....

The poor bastard who decided to marry the WidowMaker nearly got a "Dateline Divorce" for not doing his homework...  Tough seeing the woman you love leaving a Walgreens at 2 am with tarps, bleach, rubber gloves, and duct tape knowing full well she didn't intend to help with the garage cleanup on the weekend....

Of course Millie had left a few tire marks on hubby number two after she ran him over a few times....But perhaps with age, Millie has softened like many women in the autumn of their lives....Probably would have gone easy on husband three with the summer tires...

So if you ask me who has it right--if you're going to go out, it might as well be in the saddle with the Barbie sisters, some Grape Crush and Lemon Gin....

 

"Divorced On The 4th Of July."

 

It appears the Costa Concordia is not the latest Cruise to go down....

It's hard to believe that seaman played a major role in putting both situations onto the rocks...but it appears it may have--but for very different reasons...

The tabloids have reported that actress, Katie Holmes was starting to get pretty nervous with her husband, Tom Cruise and his Scientology friends; and she filed for a divorce to protect her daughter, Suri, from the possible cult effects the religion might impose on her.

Probably a good thing "Maverick" wasn't a  Shriner, or I am pretty sure the couple wouldn't have made it this long... 

If the reports are correct, it appears the Hollywood couple won't make it to their 6th Wedding Anniversary.   Those of us in the 30 Years of Bliss Marriage Club refer to the first five as, "The Warm-up Years"....

If Tom was going by the book, he would have given Katie something ceremonial made of timber for their 5th Anniversary.  Perhaps she just felt she wasn't getting enough wood from her husband, or as often is the case in Hollywood, she maybe just preferred some different type of wood....

For her 6th Anniversary, she could have expected chocolate, iron, (guys note:  not an iron) or more wood once again, for this special celebration.

If polled, I am confident the majority of woman would even forgo a truckload of Bernard Callebaut truffles in exchange for some wood from the Mega Movie Star....

 After the 6th Anniversary, you can bail.  All you can look forward to for the 7th Anniversary is Copper and Wool.  No wonder there is a  "Seven Year Itch," which is, as I understand, the time to go out  and have sex with other people, other than your spouse, if you are unhappy...

Tom and his former, smoking-hot wife, Nicole Kidman tried that in Stanley Kubrick's, Eyes Wide Shut;  but they seemed to become "Far and Away" just shortly after that.  

Here at home, the suggestion to Madge of a night-long odyssey of sexual and moral discovery would likely leave me with Both Eyes Shut and swollen....

Katie Holmes has now requested Jerry show somebody else "The Money.".... The actress  swears the TomKat breakup has nothing to do with the pool guy or Cruise reaching his "best before" date of 5o...

Holmes apparently called the poor guy while he was at work in Iceland and completely surprised him by letting him know it was over.  She, then, filed for divorce and requested "physical custody" of their daughter Suri."

Tom seemed okay at first, but then he probably realized his actress wife might start receiving wood from somebody else, as lets face it, Holmes on Holmes would seem an unlikely event for the beautiful actress...

Cruise originally accepted his fate as only A Few Good Men could,  but after the denial stage was over, his emotions naturally turned to anger.  His team of lawyers are now saying Cruise has been deeply hurt by what has happened, and he did not see it coming.  Apparently, he couldn't  "Handle the Truth"...

It is rumored that, if necessary, Cruise will spend all of his 275 million dollars, to fight Katie in a Battle of the Roses that could eventually become "Oblivion 2."

 For a guy like Tom Cruise, being downgraded from "Top Gun" to "Divorced on the 4th of July," and receiving a very public, "2 fingers up" from his bride during the filming of "Oblivion" was too much. 

After three marriages going sideways, I am sure it will be his last.  It seemed to me, he was happiest with the callgirl  in Risky Business, and Tiger would know where to get a good hooker in Reykjavík.....

The really bad news here for all us men is that Tom Cruise has gone down after three strikes at matrimony.  For the rest of us mere mortals, this cannot be a good thing.... It is  difficult to fathom that a man that famous and handsome could get himself skidded over his religious beliefs....

For most guys it is usually a less complex issue-- like porking the secretary, or forgetting you had a perfectly good piece of paper indicating you were married before climbing into the hot tub on a company ski trip....but I suppose that behavior can all be explained away now... This week it was announced that Women are smarter than men...

I can accept that, but I figure since we are not quite as bright, we should receive a extra few strokes on both the front and back nine.  This would allow us to make the mistakes we do, but still have a good enough game to compete with the ladies....

Can you imagine how much better Sunday afternoon golf would still  be if Tiger had been given a few extra strokes from ex-wife Elin after driving the Cadillac into the fire hydrant that terrible night?

Or rather than have Bill Clinton appear in front of the entire nation and declare "I did not have sexual relations with that woman...," the former President could have simply come home and asked Hillary for a mulligan...

In a study that tested IQ scores, it showed woman are smarter than men, because  men can't "multi-task,"  I don't think most men could put on lipstick, brush their hair and text the dog groomer, all while driving four kids to soccer practice in an Escalade sipping a Starbucks... it doesn't mean we men can't learn...

Who ever thought an entire sex could get marginalized over something called multi-tasking?  Trust me, men will work hard to try and to earn back their cerebral equality now that heavy lifting has been somehow eliminated...

Men will just have to improve on doing more than one thing at a time--so if your husband asks you if he can make drinks,  put on a porno, and have a threesome.....don't discourage him.... I am sure you find that many guys are willing and able to handle a lot of equipment at once.... If it's the right equipment... 

I also think it is fair to say that some men have publicly proven their ability to multi-task.  For example, look at the famous American Quarterback, Brett Favre.  He was able to get naked, photograph his penis, find reporter Jenn Sterger's number, write a note, download, and email the picture.  Don't tell me there aren't already men out there like the "Gunslinger" who can multitask...

It is sad for Katie Holmes, but in our home "religious differences" wouldn't even make the top ten list of grievances for my wife.  If she could find a religion for me where I was famous, filthy rich, had straight white teeth and a full head of magnificent hair, my kids would be down with the congregation drinking baptism water by sundown.... 

But things did go a bit sideways for Cruise after his marriage to Holmes...He went a little tapioca on Matt Lauer over anti-depressants and Scientology which got the beautiful Brooke Shield's all miffed...

Prior to that he got shit from Oprah for jumping on her couch with his shoes on...which most of us can relate to.  I think those performances may have wigged Katie out...and she may may have thought hard about returning those all wedding gifts....

But men, all is not lost.  Scientology's primary belief is  "People are immortal beings who have forgotten their true nature."  Like during Stampede Week.... So it stands to reason that if scientologists are immortal, like Tom Cruise and John Travolta-- before he did "Wild Hogs,"--us mortal guys are doing just fine...

As for Katie battling her daughter down the road on religious issues...Well  good luck with that...I haven't necessarily had a lot of luck being a positive religious role for my kids; and I have never let them see any of my Alice Cooper records..

They seem to make up their own minds at some point....We took our son to Sunday School, his Nanny was a devout Roman Catholic, and somehow on his Facebook page, he has "Satan" as one of his interests.....

Fortunately, the boy has a great sense of humour, but I told him to "get it off of there," just in case the the Ancient Mayans, Iran, or Michele Bachmann decide to end the World prematurely....I don't want him to spend eternity in Hade's taking out refuse to three separate recycle bins...

He might not be so smug about religion if he had learned about it like I did, watching  "The Excorcist" at the Corral Drive-In Dusk to Dawn in the front seat of a 67 Strato Chief... I had found God before I made it home to the front steps.... 

It is, of course, possible that Tom Cruise could cross the floor and join Katie Holmes' Catholic Church... At least if you become the Top Gun there, you get a butler ...and where else can you go to confession and get as many mulligans as you need.  If the Pope says, "Hit until you're happy,"... Why not give it a try Tom?

It's doubtful the Entertainment Mogul would care much to visit Purgatory, as I am sure Cruise is pretty much used to the full VIP treatment.  For him, Purgatory would be like waiting in economy on the tarmac, hour after hour, for his Westjet flight to get clearance.  Hell of course, would be if he'd chosen to travel on AirCanada... 

As for Katie she seems happy to fly and forget about the Cruise....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Naked Truth.

Once again, all signs point to the World's financial system going to hell in a handbag, and it's not going to be a Gucci.....

Fitch cut Spain's rating to BBB with a negative outlook.  Hard to believe that the same country that invented the lemon meringue pie and spanish fly could possibly be headed for insolvency....

This is the same country that brought much of the Americas under its control in the 16th century, and in 2012, unloaded a Peace Bridge on Calgarians.....With a projected cost of 25 million (I hope Fitch took that into account), it has been plagued by cost overruns and was 16 months late due to construction problems.  To many Calgary taxpayers, it has proven you don't have to travel all the way to Pamploma to see the true Running of the Bull... The only stimulus I want to see on the Bow is orange, fuzzy, and tied to the end of a leader on my fly fishing line.

The Greeks just barely voted in an austerity plan a week ago.....but have  already come back to see if they can get the floormats and tinted windows thrown in on the deal by the manager of the whole thing, German Chancellor, Angela Merkel.  What she really wants to know is... Are the Greeks committed to financial austerity or are they just trying to get a new set of shiny rims?

The big problem is where to cut spending?  With nearly 25 percent of the Greek population already out of work, massive layoffs in the public sector, and really no place to go, the European leaders must realize anything that Greece could do to cut spending now is just going to be highly symbolic.  Just like at home.... I talk to Madge about spending, and the next thing you know I am out of Coffee Haagen Dazs and looking in the freezer at a big blue tub of SnowStar Ice Cream....

Greece did once show signs of austerity.  It was Ancient Greece mind you.  Olympic athletes ran and wrestled naked, with the exception of a little olive oil spread all over their bodies before Adidas got involved.... Perhaps this would impress the hell out of Angela Merkel if Greece showed up for the 2012 Summer Olympic games in London naked once again...

 The idea cannot be completely foreign to the Summer Olympic Committee, as it already sanctions Women's Beach Volleyball, one of the highest rated televised events at the 2008 Bejing Games...Just think of what kind of ratings the Hammer Toss might enjoy......

Even for those in Ancient Greek Olympians uncomfortable with performing naked,  a Penis Restraint" or "Spouse" (as now more commonly referred to) was provided...

If they do come up with a new version of the Penis Restraint for 2012, I would suggest Mitt Romney try one on his fellow Republican, Donald Trump before taking him out in public again to raise money for his bid to defeat President Barrack Obama, of no fixed address....

If Chancellor Merkel could get behind the idea of a naked Olympics and show some symbolic support for those living with less in Greece, it could be a worldwide movement and the most highly recorded and watched Summer Games ever..... #NakedJavelin will be trending....

Any Olympic Federation disputes over gender would be resolved quickly, like the one going on with lady sprinter Pinki Pramanik....  "Sorry Ma'am but you can't run in this race with one of those...." 

Perhaps another solution to solving the debt crisis in Europe may be to have America's premiere financial houses like Morgan Stanley and Goldman Sachs procur some sort of financing for Greece, Spain and Italy... These guys just managed to pull 100 billion out of investor's pockets to finance a modern, computerized version of penpals....surely they can raise a little cha-ching for the founders of western civilization.

But with the Facebook IPO being such a disaster, I am not sure investors are too keen on another blockbuster financing at this time....What could possibly give less confidence to the US financial system than the hosing of  investors and immediate selling of an IPO by many insiders?  Sort of reminds me of  "It's a Wonderful Life" but in this version Jimmy Stewart decides to "poke" all his clients and sell the "Farmville"...

This may leave you longing for the days of those old school, crooked bankers from the Sunday matinee westerns.  If they wanted to steal Pa's ranch and put a railroad through it, they  didn't' mask their intentions by putting out some phony financial projections.  The EBITDA hadn't yet been invented and swindling was done more transparently with a handful of bad seeds with a few Winchesters and some soiled bandanas to hide their thieving outlaw faces.  The greedy banker would inevitably be in the last scene, stumbling to a cowardly escape with a bag of loot, a beautiful woman as hostage... until gunned down on Main Street by rugged lawman.

Now old greedy bankers don't die... They just get bonused....

That is why you need a professional to get you through these turbulent times... Like my wealth coach who has been trained to navigate the waters in these uncertain times.  

He phoned me in a panic last week after the TSE dropped 3oo points that day.  He had been doing "research" and I asked him if he was really just watching Kevin O'Leary on TV again.  He was.  All his best advice comes from watching "Canada's Capitalist" coming live from the CBC, a Public Broadcasting System...

The Dragon was talking up "getting some yield," on his investments. "Earning money while he slept..."It all sounded good, but I let him know that, at this time, my preference was for new snow tires and cable, and the  "yield" may have to wait... My advisor's alternative was a cellphone tower in the front yard....and although likely to give me cancer, "I could make money while I slept...." 

I shouldn't be so hard on my financial advisor.... He did recommend the new issue of  (DJF) -Diamond Jubilee Figurines - from the Queen's 60th Ceremony, and he got me in on this "once in a lifetime event."  Without question, the figurines have outperformed all my other "asset classes."  Hopefully these figurines are going to be better than gold, silver, or energy; and at the same time, provide plenty of space to store the salt and pepper....

He also balanced my portfolio with some "rare commemorative coins" which can only be purchased on TV late at night.  Perhaps instead of printing more Euros, Greece, Spain, and Italy could just abandon the Euro and mint commemorative coins such as Pope dollars, Bruno Gerussi quarters, and Julio Iglesias dimes as their currencies. 

Just think of the possibilities......

 

 

 

Trouble in Paradise.

Obama's "Shovels in the Ground," at Keawakapu Beach in Maui. Voted by Conde Nast and BackHoe Magazine as one of top ten beaches in America......

When the polls declared Danielle Smith and her Wildrose Party were getting ready to take the helm of Alberta's Government, I did what any true patriot would do and fled the country.

It wasn't easy knowing I may forfeit three hundred "Danny Dollars," if I sought political asylum in the Hawaiian Islands. I just couldn't handle the consequences of seeing the Province run by a party who couldn't get the unveiling of their bus correct. Although, anything would have have been an improvement over Steady Eddy's mess made by the previous Conservative Government.

Travel tip here. Political asylum is going to get you no laughs at the border.... even if it sounds like the right thing to do.... These guys currently have their hands full of dealing with crazy people in exploding underpants...

Our departure lacked the drama of the Von Trapp Family's escape, but only because we decided not to fly with Air Canada.... I hope all fifty of those Air Canada pilots who called in sick on the same day are feeling better now.... Perhaps they all met in Winnipeg for dinner the night before....

I heard talk the AC brass wanted to change its premier branding from the Air Canada Club to the Mile High Club, until the airline realized that the majority of the company's passengers were getting screwed on the ground.

The first rule of fleeing your country is to make sure your transportation is reliable. We took no chances and flew WestJet, Canada's Greyhound in the Sky. For $199 bucks plus $500 in taxes and fool surcharges, I scored the "working man's first class fare," with two empty seats next to mine... Trying to sleep on steel lap belt buckles and half a bag of spilled Bits & Bytes for six hours never felt so good.

Fortunately the flight attendant woke me up to let me know my seat belt was not done up and offer me a glass of water... I don't want to question airline safety, but if that bad boy drops out of the sky and into the shark infested waters of the Pacific I don't want to be bothered by a lap belt.

We arrived to see the Maui lights below us late in the evening. I was pretty much done after an evening of screaming babies and the feature meal of "Pringles and a Domestic Red." I am not sure who at head office ever decided screaming babies get to fly for free.... should be a special noise tax on screaming infants or at least a round of cocktails for everyone....

After a smooth landing and a couple of "carry ons" to the back of my head, we all departed in an orderly fashion and agreed that none of us could ever be friends...

It was then a foot race from the baggage claim to the first Alamo shuttle bus, which we easily won, but Mr. Driver had to be polite and wait to let everybody on...

Alamo and I had a contract where they promised me a full-sized auto at a time and date, and in return, I gave them nothing. This is not the makings of a sound transaction.

Historically, the snapping point of any journey our family takes is at the car rental agency; and this time, Alamo did not disappoint.....I swear if the Von Trapps had needed a rental vehicle, they would have never made it out of Austria...even with a credit card confirmation...

We had a set play coming off the shuttle bus, but I had to audible at the line of scrimmage. I saw another traveller, slightly less experienced, move early to the bus doors. It was a dump and chase. Like I haven't seen that before.....

He left his family and luggage and bolted for the front doors of the Alamo Rental Office, and then made the rookie mistake of of entering the four rows of velvet ropes.....While he was looping through the obstacle course, I pulled a Davy Crockett, going under the rope with a swimming motion and coming up first in line to meet a friendly customer representative.

"Hi, I am Dan Fry and I have a reservation."....

"Hello Mr. Fry, and Welcome to Maui. All our computers are down, so would you happen to have a confirmation number?"

Rather than receive my WestJet good guy discount, she worked me over and decided we should renegotiate the entire contract that evening. The majority of the lineup passed us and got into the nice cars while dug in went to work.....The rookie smiled at me and told me to "Enjoy my trip."

I was polite and replied, "You too," which really meant, " I hope you burn your bald head driving your new second wife around in that convertible Mustang asshole."

The big hang up with me and the agent came over a ten dollar daily fee Alamo wanted to charge for an "additional driver." With nowhere to go and our 49 pound suitcases laying in the driveway, I was at a clear disadvantage in this deal but wasn't going to move.

Madge joined in and quickly suggested that she be the only driver... I was reminded that the car was only ever used to buy groceries from the famous Polynesian grocer, also known as Safeway; and since I never leave the couch to grocery shop, I probably wouldn't need a car.

Alamo must train their staff thoroughly....Sensing a domestic dispute at the customer care counter with Davy and Mrs. Crockett , the experienced agent wisely waived the fee and quickly inked the agreement before the damage spread to the lineup of new anxious customers who were kind enough to carry their own luggage and behave like adults... We were now both drivers at no extra charge...We just had to agree on a car.

Ryan, my son, was pushing for a Camaro since the "Mustangs were gone" and Madge was asking if they had something like her Audi Q7 she could have a look at...

Realizing the magnitude of the situation, I wondered right then and there as Albertan's, how long could we last in this foreign land....

In the dimly lit parking lot, I had earned us a high mileage Mercury Grande Marquis...My explanation to the family was, "In a pinch, if the Wildwest Party wins the election, we can maybe live in this thing for the next four years."I tried to impress my son that this is what the police drive."

I thought we were finished and home free, when we were stopped at the security gate and asked if I had "inspected the car for damage".... I have always wondered why this would be my job, since you guys have all the records and a complete history on the vehicle...

He was big and burly so I told him I had only been acquainted with my new ride for a few minutes and was unsure as to the vehicle's condition.

I asked Madge to take a look on her side for any damage, and I asked my bride if she minded me turning around and driving over the spike to inspect the vehicle under some light to make sure it was okay.

The Grande Marquis had 20,000 hard rental miles on it, carrying sweaty families, sandy beach chairs, wakesurfers, coolers, and had been parked in stalls designed for mopeds. The doors looked like Roman Hamrlik's Shooter Tutor.....Even the ponies at a riding stable don't get worked as hard as this ride.

Madge let me know in no uncertain terms that it would be wise for me and good for our relationship if I just accepted the vehicle as is, the same terms she accepted me on thirty years ago...

It was going to take more time than we had left on our holidays to go over in detail and circle the last 3o years of scratches and dents I had accumulated....

With that we left Alamo and checked into our unit at the beautiful Ekahi Village. "Ekahi" I believe is the Polynesian word for "leaf blower" which is the Hawaiian version of the Canadian "snow blower." The maintenance crew had historically done a brilliant job with a long forgotten tool once known as "rakes."

There was more blowing in the Ekahi parking lot by 8 am than on Scotchman's Hill after last call. Apparently somebody decided it was much more efficient to blow the leaves around the parking lot for half an hour rather than just pick them up...

Anyways, between lawn treatments and reconstruction of the Andaz Wailea Resort Hotel, the Conservatives somehow managed to defy all the polls (which I think were conducted entirely by the CBC at the Fort Macleod A&W) and return to power....Which meant we were able to return home.

The full body scan at the Kahalui Airport was much less invasive than the treatment my wife and her realtor had put me through in Wailea.... I suppose I should tell her natural gas is no longer trading at 15 dollars an mcf and remind her the 2005 Malibu Wakesetter is still outperforming my investment account.....

I reluctantly entered the scanner and was waiting for some revelation as the security lady glanced at my mid section. I was hoping for something like, "He must sleep standing up," but was instead told to go back in the line and remove my belt...

Thanks to the threat of another "Underwear Bomber" my 53 year body has been recorded in its entirety, and I am reasonably certain that Mark Zuckerberg gets a copy of everything, so if it shows up on facebook....

Through the Scanner onto the plane and happily back in my Alberta home where today it is 27C, Madge has her Q7, and for the next 4 years if I need to escape-- I will call Travel Alberta....

 

 

 

 

 

"Every Picture Tells A Story"

I am guessing that whoever decided to place Danielle Smith's torso over the wheel wells of the Alberta Wildrose Party's tour bus may not get a shot at being the new Transportation Minister of Alberta any time soon.

Quite frankly, given the tone of the Alberta Wild West Party, I am surprised we didn't see a set of truck nuts hanging from the trailer hitch...

If history serves me correctly, painting a mural of yourself on the side of a boogie van was risky business at best, but placing a seven foot image of yourself over a set of Michelins likely wouldn't make the news... Mind you, I never saw a set of wheels like that on Sonny Pruitt's rig...

If past Liberal Leader, Michael Ignatieff's Greyhound bus problems were any indicator of what's to come for the Wildrose party, screwing up her bus detail may leave Danielle Smith with a tough road ahead.

In Michael Ignatieff's case, a big picture of his pumpkin was not pasted all over the side the Liberal Express when it began losing oil on its maiden voyage.  Unfortunately for Ignatieff and the Liberals, the leaking just never stopped and their Federal campaign went downhill from that point on.  Rumor has it, the beleaguered Liberal Express is now parked in front of Bob Rae's neighbor's house waiting for Rex Murphy to drop by and try to fix it... 

The original version of the Wildrose Party's "Loose Wheels Bus Tour"  had Danielle's picture plastered on the side of the vehicle; and if you really looked hard, you might be able to construe the tires and hubcaps on the 18 wheeler as her breasts...  This could be likened to the guy who wakes up to see an image of Jesus Christ on his slice of Wonder Bread as it comes out of the toaster.  The media was on the story, and Danielle had some free publicity if she wanted it.  I think she should have left it, laughed it off, and told the boys down at Maaco to leave it be.  But if an upstart party plans to knock off the incumbent, the image of the Wildrose Party must be important, so it's hard to imagine why Danielle wouldn't have taken 10 minutes to check out her new rig before taking delivery...

The opposition jumped on the story immediately and said, if the Wildrose can't design a bus, they can't run a government....

To that I would say, Ed Stelmach couldn't organize a two-car parade and was still running Alberta from 2006 to 2011--right into the ground mind you.. and Alison Redford was at his side, after being elected to the Party in 2008, to become both Justice Minister and the Province's Attorney General. Where was she during the Stelmach fiasco?  

I am sure when Ralph Klein, Alberta's last legitimate Premier, was pushed out, his parting advice to Ed Stelmach on running the Province would have been, "Eddy, don't rev the engine and don't play the music to loud and you will be just fine..."

Captain Eddy didn't even get the "Good Ship Conservative" out of port before running it onto the rocks ... Before the boat had time to completely sink, the same crew responsible for the wreck of the Edward FitzStelmach elected First Mate, Alison Redford to take them to safety.  Once at the helm, realizing the party had ruined the Province's resource business, destroyed the Health Care System, and gutted Education, she did, of course, what anybody else would have done;  and she threw herself a Kardashian...the most fabulous and expensive Coronation in the history of the Province...This was a little tough to take given Steady Eddy had left the Province running a deficit for the first time in 16 years.

Then Premier Redford opened up the Provincial Bar and started serving food and drinks to all the passengers on board in hopes that they would forget about how bad it was when Ed ran the SS Alberta aground.  She has followed up in true Napoleonic style, deployed her political rival, Gary Mar, to Asia for awhile then recently brought him home, suspended his pay, and is now feeding him to the media sharks.

Its not going to be an easy election for the Conservatives this time around, but it also doesn't mean the Wildrose is going to have a walk in the park either. We just saw the loosest wheel on the Wildrose Party, Paul Hinman, demand he should keep the money from all his efforts on the Standing Committee on Privileges, Elections, Standing Orders and Printing (the "no-meet" committee) and then some.  Hindman also thought Albertans owed him tens of thousands, if not $100,000, in back pay.....Ooops

 I am sure Danielle and the other Wildrose Alliance Members who refunded their fees, went and tied up Hinman in a basement and reminded the MLA that this was probably not such a good move since his own boss, Danielle was using this tasty bit of f0dder to put the heat on the competition for their lack of judgement. 

  The Calgary MLA later, issued a statement offering a heart-felt apology which was too little too late after the horse was out of the barn...Perhaps the best thing Danielle could have do to improve the Wildrose Party Bus is to thank MLA Paul Hindman for all he has done for the Party and drop him off at the next bus stop and let him keep his earnings...

Redford forced her Party Members to return the money paid after her taking office in 2008, which has been reported to be around 12 percent in the National Post... Instead the Lacombe-Ponoka MLA, Ray Prins, who was Chairman of the so-called 'do-nothing' committee, announced he is not seeking re-election, as his "integrity" had been called into question.... He then tripped and fell in a lifeboat... 

It should also be noted that Liberal Leader, Raj Sherman (a former PC MLA), returned over $40,000 in back pay with interest. This sounds like a guy Ignatieff could have used to stop the leak...

As for the repainted Wildrose bus, it pretty much the same as the old one to me... only now Danielle, you are covering up part of the Provincial Emblem...   

 

 

 

"Give Me Just A Little More Time."

 

It's looking like Greece is out of the playoffs......The chaotic situation appears as serious as the Canucks loss to the Bruins in game seven of the Stanley Cup Finals last year.  They are calling these actions "those of a few anarchists."  From what we have learned, I suggest they comb the waterpolo parks and enforce the two beer maximum at games--a rule so strictly enforced at the Saddledome.

To see such extensive coverage of the Starbucks store burning in Athens, lets us know where most of the journalists might be hanging out... Then again, for what the Starbuck's Greek-branded "Ethos" water sells for, nobody could afford to put the fire out in its infancy.

I am thinking if, in fact, the future of the World's Economic Financial System is tied to Greece failing as part of the Erozone, we are so screwed anyways... If you can't lend money to  the "Ancestor of Western Civilization" who can you lend it to?  

PM Harper chose Davos, Switzerland (home of the rich and famous) to announce Canada's austerity plans to the World.  Armed with his bright green Lipsey, Sparks and Steiner textbook , he announced plans to move Canadian pension payments from age 65 to 67.  Unfortunately, "Easy Street" now appears to be more than a few blocks away for the majority of Canadians. 

The extra 500 bucks a month that I might receive on my 67th birthday  (should make all the difference in our Golden Years) may be needed just to cover the electrical bill which has doubled in the past year since deregulation.  So much for buying the Prius...

Harper was eligable be able to retire at the age of 52 with his pension to be well over two hundred grand a year.  I suppose that's almost nothing compared what he might have received for ruining a US financial institution or playing professional baseball, but it's still not bad compared to living in Canada on 16 dollars a day.  We both graduated with our BA's in Economics from the University of Calgary in the 1985, and I now wish I sat a little closer to him... 

Harper argues the truth is we can't afford the current retirement system, and believes being a Walmart greeter is a great way to get out and meet new friends...

The opposition NDP disagrees and believes the system can go on forever quite easily by dividing everything up equally and splitting it, which was a fantastic idea in Grade 6 Social Studies.

At least the Liberals have a real plan.  Bob Rae wants to legalize marijuana, which they believe would increase the tax base;  but I just don't want to be 67, poor, anxious, and hungry....The once apparent heir to the Liberal throne, Justin Trudeau, just wants a "do-over."  Unlike his old man, he is encouraging Quebec to separate so we can again go back to a 60 cent dollar....With any luck, he will run away with the Rolling Stones...

I do, however, trust our Prime Minister.  After all, he majored in Economics and knows that letting the elderly live comfortably is not nearly as much fun as spending 9 billion on American-built fighter jets.  I know if Harper could just wait a few years, he could buy those 65 Lockheed Martins off the internet, like those submarines the Liberals bought off Kijiji a few years ago.

But you can't fight city hall, so I asked my "Wealth Coach" to  look at the numbers.  He has advised me that if pension reform goes through, my best course of action is to die a couple of years earlier than originally planned...

His  alternative was to move to Iran, where the average monthly income is currently $500 per month.  He said we could kill one bird with two stones....That's why you hire a specialist.

After submerging our finances in the natural gas business, I am no longer in charge of the household's investment strategy.  The overly-abundant commodity closed at 2.11 per mcf on the spot market Friday and costs me around 5 bucks an mcf to produce it.  In the future, I am going to be leary of investing in anything that begins with "Natural" as there likely is a lot of it around...My son suggested a few years back when things were better that I take my savings and buy a "Gold Cowboy Hat..." 

"Son, Natural Gas is the future..."

But there is no point in whining.  Austerity is in vogue, well, perhaps not in Davos, but it is time to start shedding the things in our household we don't really need.  

First thing to go will be our quarter interest in our Calgary Flames season tickets ... I have decided I can likely purchase an assault on all my senses for less than $400 a game somewhere else, although I will miss lining up to pay 13 dollars to park half a mile away from the Saddledome.  There certainly will be no upgrade to the Avison Young "Grey Poupon" section where, I hear, you can actually pee if you need to go between periods there. 

Like most Canadians, we will take a proactive approach and start with a bottoms-up budget and stay with the basics like our full cable package no matter what happens.  I would rather live in a FEMA formaldehyde single-wide trailer than give up my NFL and HBO on the flat-screen.  On this my wife and I were unanimous.  She is prepared to live without me, but is not prepared to go it alone without Grey's Anatomy and The Good Wife.

Cellphones were our next priority.  It is the only place my kids will communicate with me.  Most of my real friends are from Twitter, and  I never have to take them out for dinner.  

After crunching the rest of the numbers, I sat down with Lori and let her know, if the PM has his wishes, we needed to die at least 2 years earlier than the average Canadian to meet our financial objectives.  Although at first she seemed somewhat hesitant with this plan, she did ask if I would look at a few other alternatives....

Like "Plan A" her "Average Down Dan Plan" has me, alone, kicking the bucket four years early.

"Plan B" or the "Substitute Plan" has her dumping me and arranging to wed a Cabinet Minister with a decent pension, or at least a civil servant who knows his way around a commercial airplane deal...

 In "Plan C" there are the household economic reforms to accommodate the $500 a month we are each to receive greasing the skids of our Golden years....but going from Perky to dry food may prove just what's need to make the whole plan work.....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Sea Of Heartbreak."

 

"I tripped, fell into a lifeboat, and I couldn't get out." It's the new gold standard of excuses.... 

That excuse wasn't nearly as tight as Madonna's top during the Golden Globe Awards.  Whoever was in wardrobe and ordered to "do her up" certainly had their work cut out for them.  With those Material Girl breasts battened down tighter than cheese to a lasagna, she lashed out at Ricky Gervais and called him a "girl."  Like he cared...

Despite Madge's remark, Gervais was probably one of the biggest reasons people bothered to tune in to the awards show. Viewers were hoping for a ten car pile up on turn three after last year's ruckus...but it never happened. He will likely be back next year and with a bit more bite.

So now what is to become of Carnival Corp's Costa Concordia?.

Perhaps Carnival Corp. should call PM Harper and see if Canada wants to add a refurbished oceanliner to its fleet of things that no longer work like those nuclear powered submarines...I am just waiting for them to arrive at West Edmonton Mall so I can see one.  

Peter MacKay can take it on maneuvers during his vacation ...

The SS Republican Party is now lost at sea after Newt Gingrich's shocking win in the South Carolina primary on the weekend.  His win came as a direct result of burying CNN's moderator,  Jon Stewart at the commencement of the GOP Debate.  I was hoping to comment on NBC's Florida Debate tonight, but unfortunately there is no coverage.  CBC's Peter Mansbridge is likely interviewing Ken Dryden over fighting in hockey and Sidney Crosby's wellbeing ... This weekend they were chasing down Don Cherry at the rink to let him know that Cold FX has no scientific evidence behind it... 

I am interested in the fist fight going on to the south with our neighbors over the Leadership of the Republican Party...

 Newt's second ex-wife had accused him of asking her for an "open marriage." This  was brought up immediately at the CNN Debate which he treated as an unfair question from CNN's John King.  Personally if I was Newt, I would have gone with "I slipped and fell in a lifeboat," but  Gingrich fought back at what he called the "Elite Media" and intimated Mr King should go f#ck his hat. He is now a serious contender...

 Gingrich explained how "he is now happily married to his third wife."  He  could have just pulled a "Perry" and forgot about the first two...

Those looking for a "Change" in the White House just might get it with Newt and his "First Ladies."...

As a Republican, he is opposed to having the Government in the bedroom. He hoped to have "a few friends over" instead... and if elected next November it could bring a big boost to the struggling hot tub industry.  "A Tub for Every American Home."  These will have to be fairly large tubs...at least big enough for Newt and his good friends, Fanny and Freddie....

Here in Canada, the battle is on to bring the Liberal Party back to its former glory days .  They recently had a chance to "roll" out their new Green Policy and legalize pot.  Interim Party Leader, Bob Rae and his colleagues are hoping to become the new "Heads of State."  They must be hoping the next election will feel more like a Willy Nelson & Friends Tour.  I hear the "Liberal Express" bus is still parked on Michael Ignatieff's lawn and leaking oil....

If the GOP race was a Jerry Seinfeld look-a-like contest, Rick Santorum, would have already won.  Unfortunately for him, he was blindsided by an atomic wedgey from Ron Paul.  After narrowly winning the Iowa caucuses, it must have been disheartening for the "too sensitive" ex-Senator to excuse himself at the commercial break from the fray and dislodge his Stanfields from his buttocks.

Romney didn't do himself any favors either by going hard after the President.  The Man They Call Mitt, slammed Obama over his Presidency and said, "He's way over his head."  He then claimed, instead, he was going to build a fence to solve the illegal immigration problem.... That's going to be one hell of a fence...Robert Redford and Al Gore will be delighted.  They can now keep those pesky Canadians and their giant energy pipelines out of America.  As long as they build the fence and promise to stain our side to match the rest of our fences I am in...

 I suppose getting a wedgey, compared to having the Norwalk virus over Christmas, wouldn't seem so bad.  After a few hours of the dry heaves, I was pretty sure I had eaten something really bad and was getting ready to die on our new designer tile in the bathroom.  , I leaned over the bowl and prayed to God, but he knows I have done this before...

My guess is he was busy trying to get Tim Tiebow and the Denver Broncos into the Playoffs, and Governor Perry elected...After nobody wanted to "invade Iraq" with him once again, he dropped out of the race....

The upside of having the flu is I am now immune to Norwalk virus and can go cruising... After watching what happened aboard the Costa Concordia, I would rather ship out on the General Belgrano than get on a Carnival Cruiseline's Funship.  Gone are the days, I suppose, when Captain Stubing would have never run the "The Love Boat," into the mainland, and no way would Julie or Gopher ever let him leave the ship. 

By the way Madonna is the half time entertainment this year at Superbowl  XLVI.  Lady Gaga is going to have to tighten up her meat...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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"The Jokers Are Wild."

 

There was no broadcast of the final GOP Debate on any of the 300 channels I pay through the nose to receive. I gather nobody out there in newsland Canada really cared too much about who may be the next leader of the Free World. At least, not until we get fighting in hockey cleaned up..

The candidates wrapped up the Debate Series for 2011 last Thursday. I watched it on YouTube yesterday and understood why it was not covered in Canada. For starters, Sidney Crosby was not even part of it....All they talked about was US Energy Policy, the future of the Keystone Pipeline, US foreign policy, and control of their borders...Boring stuff up north here...

Diane Sawyer's ABC covered the previous debate on December 9th, which was up against CBC's Hockey Night in Canada. The debate was a full-on, end-to-end barn burner with lots of elbows, fighting, and unsportsmanlike conduct. Sort of what the Flames - Oilers rivalry used to be...

Since I didn't see much coverage of the Republican leadership debates on the major Canadian networks, I put together a brief summary for anybody who missed it. As I have no journalistic credentials, I cannot guarantee its historical accuracy. For that you will have to go to You Tube or watch Bill O'Reilly....

“Your Voice, Your Vote” had Republican candidates Mitt Romney, Newt Gingrich, Rick Perry, Michele Bachmann, Rick Santorum and Ron Paul squaring off; and there was more action in 90 minutes than you would find on The Herman Cain "Common Sense Solutions" tourbus... unfortunately Herman was missing as the "Common Sense Solution," got high-centered so to speak, on the Infidelity Highway and lost its way to Iowa....

Texas Governor, Rick Perry, although unable to pronounce "Infidelity," came down hard on adulterers and decided to throw down on anybody who has ever had relations outside their marriage. He pretty much called them all liars and cheats. Governor Perry also went on to say that his Mom sewed all his clothes until he reached college.... I almost see a bigger problem with that...

Mitt Romney, the front runner, when asked about his upbringing, informed the other candidates he didn't grow up poor and that being poor is for losers, and he couldn't relate as he had never been poor. He then bet Governor Perry ten grand that Mitt's Mom could knit a better sweater than Rick Perry's....Perry, the Evangelical, let the Mormon know he was the most sanctimonious of the two Christians and did not bet, unless of course his Denver Broncos were playing the Cowboys or Houston Texans.

Mitt wanted to double down and call him a "sissy," but was afraid of being seen as a bully and having that sweater vested Anderson Cooper in his face...Perry stood looking intense, or ready to board the Starship Enterprise, I just wasn't too sure.

Ron Paul said he grew up so long ago he didn't even know he was poor or had forgot. He claimed they didn't have any good stuff to buy during the Depression, so how would I know if I was poor?"

Newt Gingrach added" he lived above a store," and threw in" he hated Palestine." Michelle Bachmann asked him if he stole a lot of candy for him and his friends while he lived there. She agreed with Newt on The Middle East, and added she had been busy looking at textbooks from Palestine and has faxed many letters to the the King of Palestine telling him to send all copies of the textbooks to her immediately. She also added she had turned on her emailing machine that very morning and had received nothing.

Diane Sawyer, who really wanted to be a candidate more than anybody, said they had some questions coming in from "Yahoo," to which Governor Perry responded he would personally answer any of Mr. Yahoo's question as he was a friend of the Israeli Prime Minister.

Mitt Romney told Perry that "Yahoo" was a search engine and not the Israeli Prime Minister, Benjamin Netanyahu

Governor Perry looked embarrassed and contended his forefathers had fought the" engines" too, and to take it back...

Newt again started stirring it up by adding that he was an historian and that Palestine was raining rockets down on a daily basis. Ron Paul thought it best to leave that all alone as America was running out of credit. He thought it best to stop the rockets using the surplus American diplomats...

Mitt tried to help Newt save face by saying" You didn't really mean what you said about Palestine," and Newt replied he is 68, and he doesn't really care what he says any more.

Michelle then called everybody a liar and a cheat again, and reiterated she was the only true choice to be President of the United States. She promised, if elected she could put the policies in place to cure all gays. She then concluded by embracing Herman Cain as a national treasure and called his "6969" plan a stroke of genius.

They talked the next day, and Harold let her know he appreciated the support and asked Bachmann if he could guess her height...

The Fox Network debate took questions from the Twitter audience this time, so as not to confuse Governor Perry.

All the candidates were asked the same Twitter question: How come Kathy Griffin has 1.2 million followers but can't be bothered to follow anybody back?

Bachmann called her a lying cheat and Governor Perry piped up that Kathy Lee should have never married that cheating son-of-a-bitch, Frank, and added he now wanted to quit the debate and go play quarterback for the Denver Broncos with Tim Tebow.

Trump called in and cancelled his plans to moderate the next Debate. He said Alec Baldwin and him were off to play Celebrity Apprentice on The Donald's Plane....

 

 

"Kryptonite."

 

Pfizer, the maker of the wonder drug Viagra, states in their ad campaign, "This is the age of taking action."

Too bad for many of us Boomers it is no longer the age of "getting any action"...

There is a new pill out called "Viagra Professional," and it is a new generation, extra-strong prescription.  One would assume that "professional grade" erection medication would only be available to to those in the performing arts, for Porn Stars, Gigolo's and select PGA Champions; but apparently not.  If you require super-size, industrial strength equipment, this is the arrow to draw from your quiver.

When rocker, Grace Slick, wrote "One pill makes you larger," in the song White Rabbit, I don't think erectile dysfunction had yet to be discovered.  Now it appears "Softus Manus" must be approaching an epidemic as Viagra and Cialis consume advertising space on billboards, the internet, professional sports arenas, television, and newspapers.  Viagra's "little blue pill " is a Global Brand .  Erectilile medication is so popular, Ely Lilly's drug Cialis, has recently introduced a "Daily Dose" of this remedy, so "you will be ready, just in case the mood strikes you."  

 I guarantee there is no mood going to get me to drag two antique bath tubs down to the lake and fill them with hot water. 

Most men assume that our better half were more interested in finding ways to keep President Johnson down....Like spiking the old man's crantini with saltpeter, or serving him light beer and turning on Nancy Grace....

 Apparently I missed the boat on this one...Unbeknownst to me there is also a Cialis for woman, and no, I am not talking about Christian Louboutin footwear...

 "Cougar.com"  is said to be the fastest growing dating website in Canada.  I can't believe it, but that is what it said on television so it must be true...

In a bid to remain competitive, I  took the pharmaceutical companies' advice and asked my doctor about erectile dysfunction to see if one of these medical miracles was right for me.  He told me instead I should go home and consider taking a nap...

 If drug companies could would put in the effort to make a pill to induce some afternoon shut eye, with no side effects, I am in.  For now, I will just have to  rely on CBC's National, "At Issue Panel" for that real deep, late afternoon sleep.

 Cialis claims their new "medicine", "can turn an everyday moment romantic at anytime." My wife Lori, suggested I  turn my "everyday moment, " into taking the garbage out...

Now an "everyday moment" means different things to many people.  Most people think of an everyday moment as getting on a bus, going grocery shopping, or perhaps being airlifted out of a fishing camp in a Sikorsky helicopter.

Personally I don't think taking the Cialus, "one a day" to  keep Captain Happy on standby for an  "everyday moment" is  such a good thing, and has recently proved ruinous to GOP Candidate, Herman Cain.  The multi-tasking Pizza Magnate seems to have  had the "Herman Special," on call too often and has derailed his bid for the leadership of the Republican Party.  The final blow came when a "good friend" had ordered up too many of the Meatlover Specials over a 13 year affair, which Deep Dish Herman completely forgot about.  This dalliance has cost him any chance of getting into the White house and in fact, maybe even Herman's own house...

There is no doubt the new medicines are effective in specific circumstances.  For example, if your wife wants a divorce 71 days after her 10 million dollar wedding, then bring on the the industrial strength Viagra and give it at least another month... 

Just learning how to operate all that high maintenance equipment properly, would take at least a 3 month training course... and of course there is no manual. 

This came from the Eli Lilly site...

"What Should I avoid when taking Cialus?"

I would suggest of course, any old girlfriends, track and field,  heavy lifting,  mountain biking, swimming, tobogganing, contact sports, yoga, in -laws, Kim Kardashian and horse back riding... Of course that list is endless and could go on and eventually trend on Twitter, but I found none of these mentioned in the drug nomenclature.

Instead, I found this on the site:

"Do not drink too much alcohol when taking CIALIS (for example, 5 glasses of wine or 5 shots of whiskey)."

Before Erectile dysfunction was discovered in a lab, the clinical term for multiple shots of Jack Daniels would be, "Whisky Dick," and was often alleviated by a good night's sleep and a reduction in spirits.

I am sure the good people at Pfizer are working around the clock to come up with Viagra PM.  Perhaps this will give their scientists something to sleep on.

And remember if you take these medications, please heed the following;

"In the rare event of an erection lasting more than 4 hours, seek immediate medical help to avoid long-term injury"....and please login to Cougar.com...