"Sea Of Heartbreak."

"I tripped, fell into a lifeboat, and I couldn't get out." It's the new gold standard of excuses....

That excuse wasn't nearly as tight as Madonna's top during the Golden Globe Awards. Whoever was in wardrobe and ordered to "do her up" certainly had their work cut out for them. With those Material Girl breasts battened down tighter than cheese to a lasagna, she lashed out at Ricky Gervais and called him a "girl." Like he cared...

Despite Madge's remark, Gervais was probably one of the biggest reasons people bothered to tune in to the awards show. Viewers were hoping for a ten car pile up on turn three after last year's ruckus...but it never happened. He will likely be back next year and with a bit more bite.

So now what is to become of Carnival Corp's Costa Concordia?.

Perhaps Carnival Corp. should call PM Harper and see if Canada wants to add a refurbished oceanliner to its fleet of things that no longer work like those nuclear powered submarines...I am just waiting for them to arrive at West Edmonton Mall so I can see one.

Peter MacKay can take it on maneuvers during his vacation ...

The SS Republican Party is now lost at sea after Newt Gingrich's shocking win in the South Carolina primary on the weekend. His win came as a direct result of burying CNN's moderator, Jon Stewart at the commencement of the GOP Debate. I was hoping to comment on NBC's Florida Debate tonight, but unfortunately there is no coverage. CBC's Peter Mansbridge is likely interviewing Ken Dryden over fighting in hockey and Sidney Crosby's wellbeing ... This weekend they were chasing down Don Cherry at the rink to let him know that Cold FX has no scientific evidence behind it...

I am interested in the fist fight going on to the south with our neighbors over the Leadership of the Republican Party...

Newt's second ex-wife had accused him of asking her for an "open marriage." This was brought up immediately at the CNN Debate which he treated as an unfair question from CNN's John King. Personally if I was Newt, I would have gone with "I slipped and fell in a lifeboat," but Gingrich fought back at what he called the "Elite Media" and intimated Mr King should go f#ck his hat. He is now a serious contender...

Gingrich explained how "he is now happily married to his third wife." He could have just pulled a "Perry" and forgot about the first two...

Those looking for a "Change" in the White House just might get it with Newt and his "First Ladies."...

As a Republican, he is opposed to having the Government in the bedroom. He hoped to have "a few friends over" instead... and if elected next November it could bring a big boost to the struggling hot tub industry. "A Tub for Every American Home." These will have to be fairly large tubs...at least big enough for Newt and his good friends, Fanny and Freddie....

Here in Canada, the battle is on to bring the Liberal Party back to its former glory days . They recently had a chance to "roll" out their new Green Policy and legalize pot. Interim Party Leader, Bob Rae and his colleagues are hoping to become the new "Heads of State." They must be hoping the next election will feel more like a Willy Nelson & Friends Tour. I hear the "Liberal Express" bus is still parked on Michael Ignatieff's lawn and leaking oil....

If the GOP race was a Jerry Seinfeld look-a-like contest, Rick Santorum, would have already won. Unfortunately for him, he was blindsided by an atomic wedgey from Ron Paul. After narrowly winning the Iowa caucuses, it must have been disheartening for the "too sensitive" ex-Senator to excuse himself at the commercial break from the fray and dislodge his Stanfields from his buttocks.

Romney didn't do himself any favors either by going hard after the President. The Man They Call Mitt, slammed Obama over his Presidency and said, "He's way over his head." He then claimed, instead, he was going to build a fence to solve the illegal immigration problem.... That's going to be one hell of a fence...Robert Redford and Al Gore will be delighted. They can now keep those pesky Canadians and their giant energy pipelines out of America. As long as they build the fence and promise to stain our side to match the rest of our fences I am in...

I suppose getting a wedgey, compared to having the Norwalk virus over Christmas, wouldn't seem so bad. After a few hours of the dry heaves, I was pretty sure I had eaten something really bad and was getting ready to die on our new designer tile in the bathroom. , I leaned over the bowl and prayed to God, but he knows I have done this before...

My guess is he was busy trying to get Tim Tiebow and the Denver Broncos into the Playoffs, and Governor Perry elected...After nobody wanted to "invade Iraq" with him once again, he dropped out of the race....

The upside of having the flu is I am now immune to Norwalk virus and can go cruising... After watching what happened aboard the Costa Concordia, I would rather ship out on the General Belgrano than get on a Carnival Cruiseline's Funship. Gone are the days, I suppose, when Captain Stubing would have never run the "The Love Boat," into the mainland, and no way would Julie or Gopher ever let him leave the ship.

By the way Madonna is the half time entertainment this year at Superbowl XLVI. Lady Gaga is going to have to tighten up her meat...